…but I haven’t had much down time lately at all.
Reference to “We Used to Be Friends” by The Dandy Warhols? Would that be a semi-implication that laziness used to be my friend? No? Okay. Never mind.
In high school, I was that annoying person. You know, the one who never did anything beyond the bare minimum and would never do anything at all unless my friends did, but just had to be the best at everything. I’m not sure I cared about anyone or anything other than hanging out with people I liked and trying to be better than everyone else. (For the record, I wasn’t really the best at anything, but I damn well wanted to be and probably thought I was.) I’m still annoying, which I know because I annoy myself all the time, but I’ve become the person who’s all over the place because I spread myself too thin in an attempt to succeed and to please everybody but myself.
The last few months have been emotionally, academically, socially, and generally unpleasant for me. I mean that less in a whiny way than in a “it’s 4:30am on a Sunday morning and this is one of the few times I can be alone with my thoughts and find the time to blog” sort of way. It might have been because I thought I needed to participate in everything to keep myself busy and make the winter go by faster, but at one point, I had three leadership positions, was a member of three other student groups, and worked two jobs. Maybe that doesn’t sound like a lot, and it really isn’t in comparison with all the other overachievers at my high-stress university, but it was for someone who used to do only what I needed to semi-succeed academically and waste the rest of my time.
I’m now the classic case of the person who does too many things to do any of them well. My mind is constantly racing because of this or that thing that I have to stress over, I’ve had no time or energy to develop my relationships with other people, and I’ve seriously put my academic career in jeopardy. I know I need to find a focus and cut down on a few of the things that consume my time, but I don’t want to go back to shying away from all my commitments and being flaky.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about making some drastic changes in my life, but as we all know, it’s not easy to break out of a routine, and I’m having second thoughts because I could potentially alienate a lot of people. A few decisions in particular will be easier for me to make a few months from now, but that doesn’t mean they will be easy.
I just…don’t know. It’s not something I’ll do, but I’ve seriously thought about taking a break from college. The idea of dropping out altogether has even crossed my mind. And I know that’s a decision that’s right for some people, but it would be one of the absolute worst choices I personally could make, so the fact that I’ve even entertained the thought says something about my state of mind for the past few months.
I just need to get through the next fifty-five days. I heard something recently about taking life in two-minute increments. If we can get through through the next two minutes, then the next two minutes, then the two minutes following that for however long need be, then we’ll have conquered whatever length of time we’ve needed to even if it’s been an uphill struggle all the way.
Oh my god, I seriously didn’t mean to sound so depressing. I swear I’m fine. The only thing really wrong with my life is that I’m not at Coachella. Here, this will cancel out all the negativity.
